My daughter Carlene said it best: Last weekend was the weekend she (we) didn’t know she (we) needed.
It started last month when I bought two tickets to the Shaun Cassidy concert in Pittsburgh. I bought two hoping someone would want to go with me; someone who appreciated Shaun. After I posted on FB that I’d scored second-row seats, my niece (who lives in Minnesota) sent the post to her mom (who also lives in Minnesota), telling her she should go. I’ve known my sister-in-law for 35 years and I had no idea she loved Shaun Cassidy, too!
SIL made her flight and hotel arrangements (which was a feat in itself because Taylor Swift was coming to Pittsburgh that weekend, too, and finding a hotel was nearly impossible). A week later, SIL said she was bringing along my niece, and when I told my kids, they were on board, too, so it was turning into a real girls’ weekend!
But…
My kids and I hadn’t seen my sister-in-law and niece in four years, and a lot has happened in our family in that time, most (all?) of it not so good. When my dad had to move into assisted living and then died a few months later, our family began to unravel. Misunderstandings, miscommunication, and a lot of “I’m-right-your-wrong”ing happened, and it splintered our family to the point that a few relationships will likely never be repaired.
In the case of my SIL and my niece, though, we worked out the hurt a while ago and found our way back to somewhat solid ground. But there’s only so much you can do via emails and texts. Some things need to be hashed out in person.*
My daughters and I met up with my SIL and niece on Saturday morning. After the hi-how-are-yous and great-to-see-yous, the further healing began. Through talking and tears, hugs and coffee (and dessert), brunch and selfies, we reminded ourselves how much we love each other, as family and friends.
I can’t speak for all six of us, but from my POV, we all seem to be in a more comfortable place, and for me, I have no doubt that my boundaries, in regard to other family members, are respected. In the aftermath of my father’s death, I’ve been defensive for having chosen my mental health over placating a few bitter, angry hearts. (See my post, Grieving the Living.) While my SIL and niece never made me feel that way, it felt really good to say to them, in essence, “Hey, thanks for accepting my stance.”
None of us has to “understand” someone’s need for distance, but it sure helps and heals a relationship when you can accept it and move on.
It’s not our job, in any relationship, to change someone’s mind. We don’t live inside their head. But if we love them and care about them, it’s more important to nod our heads and say, “Okay,” rather than shake our heads and say, “I don’t get it.”
Part 2 (coming soon) will be about the actual Shaun Cassidy concert! It wasn’t your typical concert by any means. I mean, who calls their mom in the middle of a performance?? Shaun did!
Da Do Ron Ron for now!
(*I don’t recommend meeting someone in person if doing so would cause further trauma.)
Lynn Haraldson, Author and Writing Mentor 
The weekend certainly turned into something you most likely hadn’t anticipated when you bought those tickets! It probably helped to have the occasion be something totally unrelated to any family stuff so you could work through things without extra angst. Staying tuned to hear about Shaun!
That’s a really good point. If we were meeting up for some kind of family reunion, it would have been more contrived, I think, and we wouldn’t have probably been as open and honest. But then again, I’m not anticipating any family reunions in the near or far future LOL
This rings so true. My brother finally reached out and apologized for his verbally abusive behavior. But because this isn’t the first time this has happened, I’m very, very wary, moving like a cat on soft feet.
I hear you. Believe me, I hear you.
I like your advice about not judging people’s needs and reasons for why they need to handle something a certain way.
I just ordered your book! I’m excited to read it.
Great, thank you! Let me know what you think!