What is Family: A Listicle

My not-quite-father-in-law left this world at 2:33 a.m. on Wednesday, July 12, peacefully and in his sleep. He was 90 years old.

He had a memory that could not be beat and a quiet sense of humor, and he made the best raisin bread, hands down. I will miss his praise (“That’s right!”) when I successfully piece together a relationship thread (“So… So-and-so is so-and-so’s father, and not so-and-so’s brother?”), and gentle correction (“Well, actually…”) when I don’t. He warned me ten years ago that I’d need a spreadsheet to get all the members of each extended family (his and my not-quite-mother-in-law’s) straight, and oh boy, he wasn’t kidding.

I hit the family jackpot when I met my partner’s family–parents, two siblings, their spouses, six nephews, a niece, and a nephew’s girlfriend–and I’ve thought a lot in the last two days about how they’ve impacted my understanding of “family” throughout the years. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

1. While there will never be a ring on my left hand, no vows repeated in front of a person who signs a document legally binding me to my partner, they love me in that way anyway.
2. I’m anxious by nature and mistrustful by experience. I flinch easily. BUT… When my emotions start overwhelming me and I don’t attend (or I leave early from) a birthday dinner, a Memorial Day get together, or even Christmas, they don’t judge and jury me or send me on a guilt trip.
3. They don’t yell at each other.
4. They want me in family photos.
5. They sent me flowers when my father died.
6. They remember my birthday.
7. They respect that I’m a vegetarian/part-time pescatarian, and warn me if they’ve used chicken or beef broth in a side dish.
8. They don’t yell at each other. (This bears repeating.)
9. They never insult me for being late (or for any reason, actually).
10. There’s no obvious friction coursing through the room when we’re together; no slamming cupboards or doors; no tip-toeing tension.
11. They know how I feel about the Pittsburgh Steelers and don’t hold it against me, although they tease me relentlessly about the Minnesota Vikings.

My not-quite-father-in-law will be sorely missed by his family, and I’m grateful beyond grateful that I can say that I am one of them. You only miss the people you love, and without a doubt, I miss James John O’Hara.

Click here to view his obituary.